As I continue to wrangle with all the tasks involved in moving house, I thought you would like to know that being eaten by a lion is not necessarily fatal! This is the sequel by Marriott Edgar1. Click here to hear Stanley Holloway performing the monologue.
The Lion and Albert sequel
You've heard how young Albert Ramsbottom, In the zoo up at Blackpool one year. With a stick with a horse's head handle, Gave a lion a poke in the ear? The name of the lion was Wallace, The poke in the ear made him wild. And before you could say "Bob's yer uncle", He'd upped and he'd swallowed the child. He were sorry the moment he done it, With children he'd always been chums. And besides, he'd no teeth in his muzzle, And he couldn't chew Albert on his gums. He could feel the lad moving inside him, As he lay on his bed of dried ferns. And it might have been little lad's birthday, He wished him such happy returns. But Albert kept kicking and fighting, Till Wallace arose, feeling bad. And felt it were time that he started, To stage a comeback for the lad. So with his head down in a corner, On his front paws he started to walk. And he coughed, and he sneezed, and he gargled, Till Albert shot out - like a cork! Old Wallace felt better directly, And his figure once more became lean. But the only difference with Albert, Was, his face and his hands were quite clean. Meanwhile Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom, Had gone home to for their tea, feeling blue. Ma says, "I feel down in the mouth, like." Pa says, "Aye, I bet Albert does, too." Said Ma, "It just goes for to show you, That the future is never revealed. If I'd thought we was going to lose him, I'd have not had his boots soled and heeled." "Let's look on the bright side," said Father, "What can't be helped must be endured. Every cloud has a silvery lining, And we did have young Albert insured." A knock at the door came that moment, As Father these kind words did speak. Twas the man from Prudential - he'd called for, Their tuppence, per person, per week. When Father saw who had been knocking, He laughed, and he kept laughing so - That the young man said "What's there to laugh at?" Pa said "You'll laugh and all when you know!" "Excuse him for laughing," said Mother, "But really, things happen so strange - Our Albert's been ate by a lion, You've got to pay us for a change!" Said the young fellow from the Prudential: "Now, come, come, let's understand this - You don't mean to say that you've lost him?" Ma said "Oh, no, we know where he is!" When the young man had heard all the details, A bag from his pocket he drew. And he paid them with interest and bonus, The sum of nine pounds, four and two. Pa had scarce got his hand on the money, When a face at the window they see - And Mother says "Eee, look, it's Albert!" And Father says "Aye, it would be." Young Albert came in all excited, And started his story to give. And Pa said "I'll never trust lions Again, not as long as I live." The young fellow from the Prudential To pick up the money began. And Father said "Here, just a moment, Don't be in a hurry, young man." Then giving young Albert a shilling, He said "Pop off back to the zoo. Here's your stick with the horse's head handle - Go and see what the tigers can do!"
The original monologue was spoken in a North of England dialect, and in the sequel it is written that way “with a stick with an orse's ead andle”, rather than ‘with a stick with a horse’s head handle’. I think many of my readers would struggle to read the monologue in that form, so I have changed the words to plain English. Click here if you want to read the original.
The Prudential is an insurance company. People pay a little each week, for injury and life insurance. The average workers wage at this time (1930s) was £125 per year, for a 50 hour week.
Now That is funny 😆
The humour in the twist of Albert returning home just as the insurance payout is made was brilliantly done. Also, your adaptation of the original dialect made it accessible and enjoyable. Thanks for this great post.